The Stories
Friday, December 14, 2007
sigh.. its our 10th month. yet so many things have to happen... i tot that today, after meeting you, everything will be ok le... i really enjoyed myself today.. really.. though i was carrying a heavy bag, i had no complaints, as i finally can spend time, quality time with you, my dear..
but when i reached home... my whole mood changed. first... my bro told me.. tmr have to go to my aunt's place.. for some crappy christmas family gathering.. its like. WTF? i totally don't want to go. but do i have a choice? nope i don't. i am not even in the position to comment in this family, not in the position to have my OWN freedom to go out as and when i like, even ON my bookout days. I'm like a freaking nobody at home. i feel so out of place. i feel like i'm a outsider. within my own family. how does that feel? i apologise for been very harsh on the phone. but if u know how i'm feeling right now, i believe u wun blame me. I'm a outsider at home, I'm a nobody at work. Imagine... throughout this whole week, i have been receiving blow after blow..
firstly.. i cant book out on 5:30pm on 19th, a wed nite, i can only book out on 8:30pm onwards, due to some stupid xmas celebvration in afs.
secondly, we have additional drill lessons, which are freaking pointless and useless, on mondays, 5:30pm, AND fridays 5:00pm. Swee rite? friday oso cant book out in peace. Imagine how i feel. And all these PLUS a few quarrels with you throughout this whole week.. i really feel like breaking down... but i cant... i have to be strong...
i mean, you wun be able to understand how sian or how low i feel, after hearing some stuff.. its like we trainees are being bullied, into submission, by our sch comd.. and no one can do anything abt it, not even protest... sigh.. we feel worst than ants in afs..
previously, for the past 10 months, i have never, told anyone, not even my bro, not even any of my close friends.. of the sensitive topics we talk on the phone.. especially not when i am commenting on ppl eating up my precious talk time.. i have limited time to talk to you daily.. she get to see you everyday, and talk to you everyday... why must it be so coincidental that when i call you to talk, she must be beside, talking to you? why cant i at least.. have some private time? am i asking too much? perhaps so.. but i dun think i'm asking too much when i'm asking that our conversation betw us be kept betw ourselves, and ourselves only... but perhaps u made a casual remark to her.. and told her of what i said.. it might not be on purpose when you said tat.. but nevertheless, i feel very very very betrayed... i can accept being betrayed by any of my friends... but by you? my partner? the girl whom i'm so madly in love with? its simply too hard to swallow... call it ego, or pride... but i'm devastated...
i'm under alot of stress, both during work, and out of work.. i'm hoping to enjoy my book out time... but i believe it will be hard to do so.. i envy all my other friends who are all attached... they get to enjoy their weekends... but i cant seem to be able to enjoy... or unwind...
i'm breaking down le.
i cant take it anymore.
take care..
Photography-love (L)
